My secrets

I drink to meet women. It’s a fact that people get better looking as you drink. After two drinks, my hair starts to grow back. After four, I start to get taller. After six, my penis has grown enormously! Or maybe, I just really need to go to the bathroom.

When I get back, it’s time to look for women. I want easy sex – a woman that definitely puts out. But I’m afraid to have kids, especially with someone I pick up in a bar. So I know just what I’m looking for. Unfortunately, I don’t score much. Did you know that most women in bars get mad if you ask them if they’re pregnant?

But it’s probably for the best. Here’s a picture of my car. Last time I drove the car, I crumpled it up a little. So when I take a girl home, I’d have to ask her if she wants to ride on the seat or on the handlebars. And if I’m really drunk, she’ll have to pedal.

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