It’s unfortunate about Teddy Kennedy, isn’t it? Too bad they can’t just cut out the cancer. If Teddy’s brain was removed, he’d fit right in with the other senators. Of course, he’d have to become a Republican.
Since that’s not an option, it looks like Teddy will need to be replaced soon. I’m qualified! I can be just as liberal as Teddy and still save you money! I’ll continue to use your taxes to look out less fortunate Americans, but since I’m not as rich as Kennedy, there will be far fewer people who count as less fortunate. And I’ll continue the tradition of getting drunk and chasing women, but since I weigh half of what Teddy does, my bar bill will be significantly less!
If I was elected, I wonder how long it would be before I got caught abusing my (air quotes) “senatorial privileges”. But I’ll promise you this right now. No matter what I do, I’ll be honest about it. When I’m caught in my car with a topless 15 year old girl, my pants around my knees, and an empty bottle of Viagra, I’ll tell the truth. Other politicians would try to lie their way out of it. “I was helping this fine young constituent train for early entrance to Harvard Medical School by showing her how to do testicular and breast self-examinations.” But you’ll know what we were doing. At least if I admit it, you’ll be thinking “At least I can trust him to be honest with us. That’s who I want for my senator!”
People love that authenticity stuff. Who knows? Maybe if I abuse my power enough, I can get so many people watching the hearings on C-SPAN that MTV or SPIKE will come to me for a reality series. Cameras could follow me around as I scour the state for loose women and cheap booze. I’d have to come up with a catchy name for the show. Since I’m in Massachusetts, I’d have to be a Democratic politician, but Jackass is already taken. Maybe I could host a show like Survivor, only contestants would drink while they work their way through the challenges. We could call it DUIsland! With my own show, I’d have real fame! I’d be a cinch to get reelected!
But before I can get to that, I’ll need to get elected. Honesty isn’t going to help me there. I’ll need some enormous lies to make it. Now Obama says he’s going to change the way things are done in Washington. Lies don’t get much bigger than that! McCain promises to keep the war going in Iraq. He’s going to keep giving all our money to military contractors, like Halburtin. He’s telling the truth, so there’s no way he’ll be elected.
My best shot is if I can get the drunks to come out and vote for me. Maybe that’s why 50% of the people stay home on Election Day – there’s no one looking out for them. Bars used to be used for polling places – you could look it up. Now, most politicians try to get votes by making things harder for the drunk. If I’m elected, my first priority will be to create drunk driving lanes on the roads so we can all get home safe. I’ll put the Jersey barriers on both sides of the road and funnel the people home.
I’ll adjust daylight saving time even further, so it’s year round and the clock is moved ahead not just one hour, but 12! So when we get up after a hard “night’s” drinking, there’s none of that bright sunlight to make our hangovers worse!
I’ll change the schools so they prepare us better for life’s real challenges. The lack of funding for gymnastics really comes back to hurt us when we’re out there trying to balance on one foot or walk heel-to-toe along a straight line. And it’s a travesty that we teach young children the alphabet without training them how to say it backwards!
I’m Ray Charbonneau, and I approve this message!